Make the Jump

Group 131 is exactly one week away from finding out about our site placements. This means that we are six days away from taking the LPI exam, twelve days from leaving our host families, and fifteen days from swearing in as official volunteers. There is much work to be done until these days, and for some reason, I am finding it hard to bring myself to do any of it.

The TESS trainees have been out of the classroom for a few weeks now, so the average day of Pre-Service Training usually consists of a four hour language class, a one hour lunch break, and a four hour technical training. In other words: sitting, sitting, and more sitting. While I know all of this information is necessary and there is really no way around it, I find myself fighting the urge to fall asleep.

If you asked my fellow trainees, you would probably hear similar sentiments towards the sessions. But for me, I think it goes a little farther than that. I have noticed my mind beginning to wander, often to things that have nothing to do with Peace Corps. I come home with the intent to study more Thai, but instead goof around until dinner where I speak mostly English with my host sister. I get in bed and try to will myself to fall asleep immediately, but instead my brain starts whispering about the mistakes I have made, whether they be big or small. When I finally drift off it feels like my mind is powered down for two minutes before I realize with anxiety that the new day has started and I am beginning the process all over again.

There was only one other time in my life I have felt this way, and that was my senior year of college. I was neglecting responsibilities, opting to let my friends distract me instead, and get less and less sleep as we teetered towards the edge of graduation.

When I made the connections between these two points in my life, it started to make more sense of why it is so hard to reach the finish line of training: We are going to site soon, and I am fucking terrified. 

In my life, when I afraid to make a big jump, I shut off. I don't think like me, I procrastinate, I make decisions that I later regret, and I put my head in the sand.

But in Peace Corps, you do not have time to shut off. Instead, you have to refresh, and remember the reasons why you're here in the first place. I did not come all this way, fix those flat tires, eat some bizarre foods, make lesson plan after lesson plan, high five those beautiful and brilliant kids, to stop now. I came here simply to make that jump that I am so afraid of now.

So, I'm writing this to myself more than anyone else. This is the moment where you can dig your head out of the sand, roll up your sleeves, and finish the work that you started. Or, it's the moment where you stop.

Stopping to me is not an option. So let's get to it and finish this thing.

See you soon, my future site.