Waking Up





I've been trying to find the right words for this next post for a few days now. So many emotions are swirling around inside me, it makes my stomach do flips.

Lately, the thought of getting out of bed in the morning is a little daunting. I think "God, I did it all yesterday, do I seriously have to do it again?" Part of that sentiment is from fatigue: sleep is hard to come by since we've had more lesson planning to do, and after that work is done I sit in bed awake wondering if I have all the materials I need, if my observation is going to go well, and if a lizard is going to fall on my face when I fall asleep (they are so rude).

This fear to start the day also comes from a thought that I try to ignore, but creeps into my mind anyway: I am tested here every day, and at first I was passing greatly. But the tests continue to get harder. I should be better at biking, I should know more Thai. I should collaborate more with my co-teacher. And now the water is rising above my neck and I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay afloat. I'm not sure if I will be enough.

Then I think, "if I went home, what would I lose?" and the answer to that isn't something general like the sights or the food. It's little vignettes that I play in my brain over and over again: my Aajan (teacher) hugging me and saying "you're gonna be okay." Falling asleep in the back of a car with Caitlin and Nick after a day of adventure together, the sound of my host mother's laugh, Bua running up to me with a chicken bone in her mouth. I replay these moments so many times, and that's what makes me get up.

I come from a place that's filled with love: beautiful friends that shaped who I am, incredible mom's and stepmom's who say they're proud of me every day, grandparents who still kiss me on the cheek, sisters that make me laugh, and a dog that sneezes on me constantly. I miss this love every single minute of every single day. But the love I've received from here is so great, I have grown a second heart for it.

So, in the moments where I don't want to get up, I don't want to do those lesson plans, I don't want to fight harder, I remind myself that I have two hearts, and two hearts give you strength to move mountains.

I miss you, America. I love you, Thailand.

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